Bookmark: Let Go! Just in time 4 my 40's

When your life falls apart, there is always the impulse to hold on: To him, to her, to it; to the way it was, to how you wanted it to be, to how you want it now! But in order to get through a crisis, you will have to let go of whatever is standing in your way... P. 69 from 10 Things To Do When Your Life Falls Apart

Finally, at 40-ish, I am willing to let go! I am ready to let go of all the cycles & patterns of self-sabotaging behavior that no longer serves me! I am now ready to let go of folks & situations that drain me, & finally, I am ready to let go of my own ongoing need to strive & struggle against the natural flow of life. I am ready to flow!

How do we let go? Anyway you can! Get help-- solicit friends & family (the ones you want to keep, do whatever you have to to begin something new; to start afresh! Take a deep breath & with each exhale... Let go! Per author, Daphne Rose Kingma of 10 Things, "We're on our way to somewhere else. Why be bogged down with fourteen irrelevant people, two tons of junk, & a brain full of worry? When, really, you're just practicing to be part of an intergalactic light stream of love. Don't hang on. It's hard to fly with bags of concrete tied to your feet. Let go! Let go! Let go!"

Bookmark: Do Something Different! by Xina Sy

“Right now you are one choice away from a new beginning - one that leads you toward becoming the fullest human being you can be.”

Oprah Winfrey

Why do we stay? Why do we keep doing the same things over & over when we know it does not, will not work out the way we want? Why do we keep moving in the same circles; repeating the same cycles, expecting different results?

I hung up & cringed; embarrassed at my Self. Then I cried. I cried because I didn't want it to be over. Then I cried because it was...over. I had loved this man for a very long time & I believe, in his own way, he loved me too-- as best he could. But it was not enough & I knew that. I held onto this on again-off again thing; keeping myself caught on an emotional roller coaster that helped me avoid the real issue: my own fear of intimacy. Now, I had had enough & it was over! It needed to be. It was time for me to...move on & make a real choice to love & be loved.

In her book, The Ten Things To Do When Your Life Falls Apart, Daphne Rose Kingma writes, "Different circumstances call on us to be different. To grow or die. To expand or contract. To fly or get lost in the rubble. As our world changes, we must change.When are circumstances are altered, we must alter our responses to them."  I would add, that we must make a choice to allow ourselves to evolve into a higher state of being. Evolving is, after all, a natural thing. But, when our hearts are involved, making a change, letting go, it all seems like the hardest thing to do--even when we know it is for our own good. When we are so attached to the outcome of what we want, as opposed to what we need, the thought of starting again can be terrifying.

Most of us believe that starting again has to be hard. But, what if we began to see it as an opportunity to do something different? What if we began to recognize new beginnings as a chance to try out our new skills; test ourselves on what we've learned from the past & begin new habits that nurture us into becoming our best Selves? What would be so hard about that? It might be letting go of the familiar. It might be hard to create a new pattern; one that's healthy & functional & good for us. It might just be that we enjoy the drama in our lives & we just don't want to let it go!
~~I wiped away the tears & took a deep breath & in that moment I made a new choice to simply...do something different.

Click & Buy 10 Things & Join the Virtual Book Discussion Online Now!

Bookmark: Do You Self Sabotage? from 10 Things To Do When Your Life Falls Apart

Whatever the nature of the crisis you're in, it isn't just inviting you to change; it is insisting that you do. It's telling you to wake up: wake up to what's really going on here. wake up to your real self-- the good, the bad, & the default-- so that you can start creating responses that are alive & worthy of this one & only scary, gorgeous, unrepeatable life you have been given.

~~  page 42 of 10 Things

My whole life has been one continuous cycle that I have been trying for the longest to figure out. It has consistently followed a pattern of gains & losses; ups & downs, & extreme highs & lows. Time & time again things in my life have been going well only to, very quickly, fall apart again. For many years I viewed this pattern from a victim perspective that kept me believing that something, anything other than myself, was at fault. Regardless of what I was going through; IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! At times it was the fault of "the system," it was "them," it was "him," or it was "her." At other times when things went wrong it was the job, the weather, the bank, the school, the community, or the government. Whatever was most convenient carried the weight of my problems upon its blameful shoulders as I was an innocent bystander; victim to the things of this world. 

Now, I realize that taking responsibility would have meant showing up, growing up, & owning up to what was really going on. In her book, 10 Things, Daphne Rose Kingma writes, 'Facing your defaults (the things we resort to to avoid & evade reality) is the only way you'll be able to see how you are cooperating with-- & at least in part creating-- the very circumstances that are driving you mad.' My own self-sabotage has kept me stuck in the same cycles; gaining & losing & blaming others. This cycle has taught me that insanity truly is doing the same things over & over while expecting different results.

So what to do?  Kingma suggests starting with a few simple questions & answering as honestly as you can to begin from there to change the patterns. Take a few moments & ask your Self:

• What is your most most prominent default behavior? That is, what are the behaviors or attitudes you most often use to deal with, escape from, or avoid the painful realities in life?
• When did you develop these default behaviors?
• How have your defaults contributed to the crisis in your life?
• What would be one step you could take to start dismantling your default behavior?
• What would be one small step you could take in the direction of a new behavior?

Creating new patterns in our lives may not be easy, but taking the steps toward a healthier lifestyle is definitely worth the effort.

For specifics click & buy the book & join the virtual book discussion.

12 Tips 4 Triumph in 2011 from 10 Things & SIU

Photo: Racing Stars by Andrew Stewarz

Life can be so funny! Sometimes, flowing like a calm, serene stream, in the direction of our most pleasing dream. Then, other times, seemingly out of nowhere-- storms arise and wreak havoc on the very core of our most solid foundations. Circumstances can change like the wind & leave us gasping for air & fighting to survive. For many, 2010 has been a tumultuous time; filled with highs & lows that made life a crazy roller-coaster of a ride that we could not escape from quickly enough. But, in all of the chaos, there have been life lessons that may yet serve to transition life into something very rewarding...for all things work together for our good! 

The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart, by Daphne Rose Kingma, & our virtual book club pick going into 2011, offers a list of tips (10 Things) for triumph during the most challenging & trying times of our lives. We added a couple of tips at the end of the list & hope that this list helps you to persevere in the coming New Year! 

From 10 Things/

1. Cry Your Eyes Out: When things come undone, simply take time to feel & release!
2. Face Your Defaults: Everyone has coping mechanisms; good, bad, & indifferent. Identify yours & allow them to work for you-- not against you!
3. Do Something different!
4. Let Go!
5. Remember Who You Have Always Been: & Be that!
6. Persist! 
7. Integrate Your Loss: find ways to evolve & change versus staying stuck in "what was."
8. Live Simply.
9. Go Where the Love Is: migrate towards a supportive, loving environment & fill your life with people & circumstances that promote your new growth.
10. Live in the Light of the Spirit...
11. Click & Buy the Book!
12. Join Our Virtual Book Discussion Online!

Happy New Year!

Bookmark: Cry Your Heart Out! from 10 Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart

At times I've been surprised by the magnitude of my own tears, by the amount of sheer wailing and letting go that certain circumstances called for. I've been shocked, almost worried that such a big cry might have been some sort of hysterical emotional excess, some kind of performance. But the quiet integration, the fragile and yet sublime peace that followed each vintage cry was the measure of the healing power of those tears.

~~~ From page 6 of Ten Things To Do When Your Life Falls Apart

When I was little, I was often scolded for being too emotional. I was told, whatever the situation, that 'it's not that bad,' or 'get over it!,' & even, 'be quiet before I give you something to cry about!'--all as if my own "little" tragedy simply did not require the reaction that I was giving it. As an adult I have been told that I wear my heart on my sleeve; that I am too vulnerable, &/or overly dramatic; any of which might be true, but all of which are someone else's opinions---filtered through their own inability or unwillingness to show real emotion themselves.

Recently, our family went through a very trying time that rocked the very foundation of everything we thought could possibly go wrong. The possibility of losing a child hit in a deeply unexplainable way that brought me to my knees; weeping & wailing for resolution & healing. While going through the situation I felt the need to be "strong," & to "make sure everyone else was OK." It wasn't until weeks later, in a grocery store isle that I was able to truly feel what had happened & the tears began to fall & fell for several days. And with every tear I felt a little bit better. After it was over, I knew that a deep healing & release had happened within myself & I no longer felt concerned over being "too emotional."

Everyone heals differently! My way may not be yours & yours mine, but each way has to be honored & respected. Often times in our own uncomfortable way, we push others to 'get over it' before they are ready because we love them & we don't want them to be sad; to hurt, to feel lonely, to be depressed, or to lay in bed all day. Sometimes we move too quickly past what our loved ones need without taking into account their need for healing. There are times when I semi-sort-of  listen when someone  is venting or pouring out their heart to me because I am too busy coming up with my own way to fix "it." We push for a resolve before we allow for a healing...

In her book, 10 Things, author Daphne Rose Kingma asks in the chapter entitled, Cry Your Heart Out, "What if we could create a ministry of tears? What if we consecrated  some time in each our days to weep, first for ourselves, but then for each of the ones whose lives have been broken... what healing would happen? What peace would reign? How much would our differences dissolve? And what would we learn about the true nature of Love? 

 I wonder too...what if?~~ xi

Click here & Purchase the book 10 Things & Join the Virtual Discussion!

Part II Interview w/ Author Daphne Kingma on 10 Things

Working with Daphne Kingma has been both a gift & a privilege! I have been truly inspired by her book, The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart (10 Things), & have been motivated to feature her book over the next 10 weeks! Here's Part II of our interview:


SIU: Who inspires YOU? Which writers have most inspired your work?
Kingma: What a lovely question! Thank you!  The poets James Wright, ee cummings, Dylan Thomas and Pablo Neruda, the philosophers Andre Gide, Andre Malraux, and John Stuart Mill, the novelists William Styron, Marguerite Duras and Earnest Hemingway. I was deeply influenced by my father's very well written letters, and I was strongly  visually influenced by the beauty of my parents' garden and the many works of art to which, starting from when I was a child, I was frequently exposed.

SIU: What lies on the horizon for you as a writer? What projects are you working on NEXT?
Kingma: Another fabulous question! Well, as you might imagine from my previous answer, I, too, am a poet and writer of fiction; and I am moving in the direction of completing many literary works-in- progress and performing them. In terms of my life at large, after an extremely busy year of promoting my book I'm preparing for a life with more time for my love and my personal writing,  I'm also looking forward to presenting the teachings from THE TEN and the relationship books I've written--as well as the emotional healing work I've always done--to much larger audiences. Basically, I'm looking forward to a more balanced combination of what we usually call a "professional" life and the pursuit of my own creative and heart-endeavors.

SIU: Finally, what do you do when life falls apart personally & what advice do you offer for when times get truly tough?
Kingma: I have a practice which I call: The Smallest Change That Can Make the Biggest Difference, and this is what I recommend to people going through agonizing times. When my house burned down I made it a practice to drive downtown and buy a glass of fresh vegetable juice every day and then sit in a quiet place and drink it before returning to the ongoing fray of the re-construction. This little practice sometimes took only twenty minutes, but it gave me a sense of well-being, joy and perspective. At other times my change has been taking a walk, meditating or writing quietly for a few minutes at the beginning of every day. And so I would ask you:  what is the one little, self nourishing thing you can do every day even though it may seem that your entire world is falling apart: taking a walk up and down the hospital halls even though you're there because your best friend is dying, listening to some beautiful music in your car before you go in to work, making a list of what you're grateful for each night, or turning off the TV and reading a poem before you go to sleep, Any act performed consistently becomes a practice, and, as such, will provide a steadying rudder during chaotic times. You will be amazed at the large amount of equanimity even one of these simple practices will grant you.

Please click here & buy the book, The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart & join our virtual book discussion over the coming weeks!

Interview w/ Daphne Rose Kingma, Author of 10 Things

Part I: Not in along time has a book touched my life more or shown up @ a more perfect time. The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart (10 Things), by author Daphne Rose Kingma is just that book! I had an opportunity to interview her about her book, her beliefs, & her future.

SIU: You generally write books on relationships, what made you write 10 Things?
Kingma:  As you may know, I've written a dozen books specifically about love and relationships, among them the best-sellers, COMING APART, TRUE LOVE, FINDING TRUE LOVE, and THE FUTURE OF LOVE,. In these books I've dealt most often with love as we experience it in our intimate human connections and how, through becoming more conscious of our behavior, we can experience a greater measure of love in our relationships.THE TEN is different in that it is very specifically about how to make it through a crisis. There's obviously a bridge here, though, because even in a crisis we are concerned about our relationships, and our relationships are often profoundly affected by challenges that we are dealing with. What is also true is that no matter what we're going through,our anguish is ultimately resolved through love. Since crisis rocks us to the depth of our need and vulnerability, it also calls us to greater and greater measures of love.

SIU: How do you feel one's beliefs and/or faith comes into play during a crisis?
Kingma: Ultimately any life crisis is an invitation to get in touch with our spiritual dimension--whatever you choose to call it: soul, light, divinity, eternal essence, love. A spiritual grounding, practice or point of view enables us to see a crisis in a larger framework--one that suggests that we might learn from the difficulties we are going through, that we might be transformed as persons and as souls.  This spiritual viewpoint also brings us comfort--we begin to understand that there is meaning to even our difficult experiences and that life itself, and we ourselves are larger than the hard times we are having.

SIU: What helps you through during crisis in your own life?
Kingma: I have been greatly blessed in my life by knowing early on that there is a greater dimension in which all of our experiences are occurring. This deeply held awareness has cradled me through the crisis in my own life--and I've certainly had my share: ended relationships, my house burning down, the death of dear ones, financial reversals and health challenges. While each of these things was huge and on a number of occasions several of them occurred in tandem with each other,I always knew that there was a greater force at work. As a consequence, I was open to seeing--and, ultimately, to actually experiencing--what the greater gifts of these tough experiences would be.

Please revisit for Part II of my chat with Author, Daphne Rose Kingma!

Click Here & Buy the Book, 10 Things & Join Our Virtual Discussion!